HAYLEY REPORT VOLUME 1

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IT'S LIVE BITCHES! THE HAYLEY REPORT IS HERE AND YOU'RE ALL FUCKED!

Now that all bullshit legalities are out of the way… it is time for THE HAYLEY REPORT! YES! THE HAYLEY REPORT! THE GREATEST THING TO HIT PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING OF ALL TIME! I AM GOING TO DO THIS SO MUCH BETTER THAN CASS BAUMER! FUCK THAT LITTLE BITCH! BITCH NEEDS PLASTIC SURGERY TO FIX HER FUCKED UP FACE! WHEN I RETAIN THIS TITLE AGAINST HER, I AM GOING TO MAKE DAMN SURE TO FUCK UP HER FACE EVEN MORE SO SHE CAN GET THAT PLASTIC SURGERY! 

 

Anyway… yeah… let’s get on with it…

 

Last week’s Collision…

 

The MATCH RESULTS!

 

Sylvia Lopez def. Big Bubba Thompson - DUH! Of course! This was academic. Hey Sylvia, get better competition you HACK! Rumor has it that Sylvia FEARS real competition! YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

 

Some Mexican tag team def. The Spanish Inquisition - I’m not spelling their name but yeah, wasn’t the Spanish Inquisition in like 1600 or something? Eh…

 

Milisandre Crowthorne vs. Tren Descarrilado - No Contest. LAME!!!!!! HOW ARE YOU THE WORLD CHAMPION BUT CAN’T WIN A MATCH? BOY! YOU ARE A WEAK ASS WORLD CHAMPION! The WORST part of this match was Jansen Myrrh’s EXISTENCE! RUMOR HAS IT THAT SHE’S TAKING UP SPACE ON THE ROSTER AND THAT SHE IS ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK! IF SO, GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!!

 

Crystal Zdunich def. Katelin Youshouldbeashamedofyourself - HOW DO YOU LOSE TO CRYSTAL ZDUNICH? OMFG!!!!!!!! HOW?!?!?!?! FIRE KATELIN!!!!!!!!! Rumor has it that Crystal wants to drop her last name entirely and just go by…. CRYSTAL… bitch thinks she’s Madonna. Fuck you bitch, you’re not even Cher! Bitch! I hate you because you’re married to one of my sexual fantasies in Seleana Zdunich. BITCH!

 

Lil Juicy loses by submission - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING PERVERT! FUCK YOU!!!!!! STALKER! I SHOULD GET A RESTRAINING ORDER ON YOUR ASS! 

 

As for the other happenings….

 

DUMBEST QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “To be honest, I feel like I have been broken down…” - Crystal Not Madonna.

 

Then retire dumb shit!

 

MOMENT OF THE WEEK: CASS BAUMER COVERED IN BLOOD LOLOLOLOL! YOU DESERVE IT BITCH! HAIL ZOEY MADISON!!!!!!! There’s more where that came from you ugly ass, horse face BITCH! 

 

Astro Creeps? More like… Cripes… as in CRIPES you people should have a sleeping aid named after you. Rumor has it that NFW is already producing this. “Astro Creeps Sleeping Aid: The Cure for Insomnia!” 

 

AND NOW FOR THE RUMORS…

 

Seleana Zdunich SECRETLY WANTS ME! And I don’t blame her! Jason and I have agreed that we can share you! Come over to us and we’ll show you a good time!

 

Lil Juicy to be SUSPENDED for testing positive for testosterone! Of course… because he’s nothing but a SHRIMP DICK!

 

Jansen Myrrh wanted in Belize for violent assault. Of course she is. Bitch threatens me on Twitter all the time. I mean, she’s someone that needs to be in a padded room if you know what I am saying. 

 

Alexandra Caldwell CHEATING! WITH WHO? WE DON’T KNOW! But the gossip mill is spinning fast wondering who this secret lover is! Rumor has it that it may even be someone like Donovan Cunningham, Luther Calloway or Jessica Matthews!!!!

 

Kenyons to be split up. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS BE TRUE!

 

Stacy Jones busted for cocaine in glove compartment. Have you seen her face? Are you really surprised?

 

And finally…

 

Cass Baumer rumored to be in contact with Kim Kardashian for PLASTIC SURGERY TIPS… even hoarding a bunch of Botox and LIP FILLERS! 

 

That’s ALL for the HAYLEY REPORT! See you fuckers next week! And remember…. EVERYONE wants to secretly FUCK ME but you all don’t want to admit it!



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